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2020 – a year full of anxiety

2020 – a year full of anxiety
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Around this time last year, I was soaking up the sun in the Maldives and reflecting on my first year in Afghanistan (2019). Last week, I was sitting in Kandahar, Afghanistan – the second biggest city in Afghanistan, which has been the seat of power of the Pashtun tribe for over 300 years. And today, I am back at home in California with my family. 2020 has been a strange year for everyone. I thought I’d offer some reflections on my year.

But to start where I left off in November 2019, from the Maldives, I went to Sri Lanka and then Myanmar, and then off to Vienna to graduate with my second Master’s degree.

In January 2020, I set out for New York City to spend a few days with friends. I’d been to New York several times in the past, but this time, I had a few priorities on my list. Spend time with my best friend. See my friend and his beautiful baby daughter. Visit the Met, the Guggenheim, and the 9/11 Memorial Site. Eat lots of good food. Check check check. When all of it was said and done, I boarded a plane bound for Kabul.

It’s funny when you go back to Afghanistan after a little break. Things can change pretty dramatically with the shuffle of new colleagues in the house. My old routines were immediately disrupted and my anxiety soared. The kitchen was no longer my refuge, and anyone who came into the kitchen seeing me cook, required attention and conversation. Some even demanded to be fed, and sat at the dinner table like a child waiting for the next meal. Anxiety central.

I thought it would be better by February, and my first R&R. Off to Mauritius for an action-packed holiday. I partnered with Mauritius Conscious, a tour operator that focuses on local businesses and eco-friendly activities.

Not a great photo, but these people in the house do NOT give me anxiety. Or sit and wait to be fed.

As soon as I returned from Mauritius, the house was full of activity and my anxiety level skyrocketed. I pleaded with my boss to let me go to a different office for a break from all the humans in Kabul. And so I set off on my first domestic trip of the year – Mazar-i-Sharif.


In Mazar, alone in the guesthouse for the first few days, I found the peace I was searching for. No one to force me into awkward conversation in the kitchen, no one sitting at the dinner table waiting to be fed. Just me and my thoughts. My friend came back to Mazar after the first weekend, and since it was his last few days there, we went on a food tour adventure of Mazar-i-Sharif.

My trip to Mazar was cut short with the news of COVID-19 evacuation. Immediately, we had to return to Kabul and within 48 hours, we had to leave Afghanistan.

From March to August, I spent my time at a friend’s home in Scotland. She had just purchased a cottage and began working from home. Two days after I landed, Scotland went into lockdown. And from March to July, we were never farther from her cottage than our legs could carry us. We took care of each other and kept ourselves sane during an insane time. We had Taco Tuesdays, Burger and Beer Fridays, trips to the butcher and walks around the local forests and lochs. Let’s not forget our adventure in searching for Rob Roy MacGregor’s infamous cave hideout.

Is it cold and windy in Scotland? no, why would you say that?

Of course, when lockdown lifted in July, I had a series of my own adventures.

Can you spot a Lannie?

And then, Ukraine. Random? Yes. Why? Couldn’t stay in Scotland past mid-September (visa issues), and my boss wasn’t ready to bring me back to Afghanistan yet, so, six weeks in almost complete isolation in Kyiv. It’s ok though. I celebrated my 38th birthday with a food tour in Kyiv. And got to visit Chernobyl, which I really wanted.

Suddenly, in the beginning of September, I received word that I could return to Kabul. And six months to the day that I left Kabul, I returned.

Life in Afghanistan was tough – mostly work related versus coronavirus related. Two trips down to Kandahar, the big city in the South, and several weeks of work anxiety later, and it was time to go.

Two days before I left, I twisted my ankle. The day that I left, a morning rain storm turned into a freak blizzard slash first snow of the year.

As if traveling with a twisted ankle and a freak blizzard was not enough. A trip back home to California normally takes a little over a day. In the time of covid? 55 hours of travel time, 2 overnight layovers – basically 3 full days. Even though I was traveling back in time, it still took me from Saturday to Monday to arrive. But here I am.

Happy to be back home, happy to be surrounded by my family. Looking forward to breathing a huge sigh of relief for the new year.

Until next time, I hope everyone is happy and healthy. 2020 was an awful year for everyone. All the best for 2021!

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16 thoughts on “2020 – a year full of anxiety”

  • Let’s hope that 2021 is filled with as much travel adventure, but much much much less anxiety. And quieter kitchens…..

  • I’ve sort of followed your story for most of this year in piecemeal fashion, Lannie, so it is lovely to actually get this overview and join some of the dots. You have actually achieved lots over the year and had some wonderful, unique experiences. I am sometimes hesitant about saying “Thank you for sharing” as it seems a bit empty, but in this case, I really mean it. I have enjoyed your stories and adventures. Hope you make it back to Scotland (or England even – we are just over the border!) and we can meet up. Enjoy your time with family over the festive season.

  • Wow – that’s a lot of adventure and I can understand the anxiety. Let’s hope for another year of adventure – this one full of peace and serenity – and one that’s effortless. No to the 55 hours of travel.

  • Lannie, youโ€™ve got such an exciting life, I do envy you. Itโ€™s amazing what you manage to squeeze into one short year during which most of us ordinary earthlings have done nothing much but experiment with sourdough and bingewatch every last series on Netflix. Enjoy your time with your family and the festive season.

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